Never Underestimate Your Elf!

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 10325

The Elf King, or just ‘The Big E-K’ as he preferred to be called, smiled with lewd delight. “Wonderful!” squealed our boy Biggie E. “You’d fit right in down there in the blood-pit! In fact, I’m going to place all my money on you.” (The Bigsta was a compulsive gambler, you see)

Ha! Fred laughed inwardly. What kind of gladiator pits can some limp- wrested prissy-elves have! This is going to be so easy! I might even have to spare a few saps from death just so I don’t slaughter off ALL the competition... He reflected on all the brothels he could frequent by winning all that sweet money in the fights. And not just ANY brothels. The good ones. The ones that didn’t smell like stale urine. No, not there. He wanted to go where the girls had all their limbs and most of their teeth. Where they shaved their armpits and didn’t bite. Yes, that is where he wished to go.

He was escorted away from the king’s presence and sent down into the bowels of his castle. It got darker and damper as they went, and Fred began to wonder just what kind of place he was in. The last time he’d been in a place like this it had been under very bad terms, you see. Very bad terms. That vacation to Hespan had gone so terribly wrong. And to think, it all started over a tastless joke about their queen and three monkeys and...well, let’s not finish it. Children might be reading.

“Wow, I’m in deep-shit, huh?” he said to one of the small but lanky elfs escorting him in a casual kind of way.

“Oh yah,” the elf replied without a hint of hesitation. “You’re gonna be in a world of hurt. But if you actual do live...which is a far-flung idea, but it might happen...you’ll be richer than all of the noble lords in your own land!”

They were soon in a region of winding dark corridors made of cold, slimy brick and sparsely illuminated by some intermediate torches still flickering with the fleeting clutches of some age-old illumination spell still powering them. Every so often they’d pass a cramped cell packed full of all sorts of horrible creatures. Goblins, trolls, minotaurs, centaurs, Mexicans, ape-men, orcs, werewolves, and even a lava man. Finally they came to one of the last cells lining the length of the corridor they were currently following. The elf guards halted abruptly as one of them fumbled around through it’s key-ring. After several painful minutes it found the one it was looking for and Fred pushed none-too-gently into his new home.

It was dark in here. And cold. Who knew what kind of creatures could be lurking in the shadows with mouths a’droolin’ in anticipation for their next meal. As it so happened, it was only another knight.

This mystical knight had bright emerald eyes that glinted cleverly, even in the shadows. His hair was neck-length, luxuriously curly and bone-white and was worn in the complex manner of those who hailed from the kingdom of Gelda, land of the horse-lords and Democrats. His build was graceful, unlike Fred’s, and he walked with a confident swagger. A huge, oily mustach adorned his upper- lip and he smelt of fine perfume. He claimed right upon their encounter that he possessed fire powers. His painfully severe, garish uniform was yellow and flickered as if it was made of flames and was accompanied by a set of yellow goggles.

Fred, on the other hand, was about as average looking a knight as there would ever be. After only a half hour the two had become fast-friends. With so many questions racing through his mind, Fred finally decided to first ask...

  1. Do you fight in the gladiator pits?
  2. Do you know to escape from here?
  3. Just how deep into the proverbial shit am I?
  4. Do you think my butt is fat? Be honest.
  5. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lantern?
  6. Wait, there is no option 4. But there is an option 6. I just don't know what it is. Dammit.

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1/13/2005 5:05:40 PM

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