The Theme was "Around the World in Eighty Rules" Doug Chatham was Judge. He's not sure who the Wizard was. Would someone please find out for him? The winner is Bill, who becomes Judge and Wizard for Round 81. Take it away, Bill! Sincerely, Doug Chatham, ex-Judge ___________ Eligibilities and Style Scores: Don Blaheta was eligible until 04:53 AM 7/8/97 EDT and left the game with 1.25 Style Points. John Goodman was eligible until 11:46 AM 7/12/97 EDT and left the game with 2.2 Style Points. If the Round had not ended, Bill would be eligible until 09:57 AM 7/15/97 EDT and would have 3.5 Style Points. (*New Judge and Wizard*) Ed Murphy was eligible until 6:49 AM 7/12/97 EDT and left the game with 2 Style Points. Chuck was eligible until 5:17 AM 7/12/97 EDT and left the game with 1.5 Style Points. No other people were eligible or had Style Points when the round ended. _________________ The Rules Posted: 80:1 (Ed Murphy: VALID, +1 Style) Fnordlinger's Round-earth Commission decided to prove the earth is round by travelling all the way around it. The attempt was almost ended before it began - Fred's evil twin (Ned) weakened one of the ropes holding the balloon to the basket - but it turned out to be a ballast rope instead, whose cargo landed triangularly on Ned's head (who is out of commission till the next rule). Each rule shall describe the FRC's progress toward its goal (also its starting point) and Ned's attempt to foil its plans. The 80th valid rule shall describe FRC's arrival, and automatically wins. ________________________ 80:2 (bill: VALID. +1 Style) Unfortunately for the Commission, Ned's second attempt to throw them off the path was more successful than the first. He replaced the air normally inside their balloon with gasoline fumes. When Fnordlinger applied the flame jet to make the balloon rise, it exploded into a fiery inferno! Fnordlinger and most of the Commission escaped unharmed (though somewhat singed), but the second-in-command, Clyde Caparello, was hospitalized and is reported to be in stable condition. Fnordlinger, who was never one to let such petty matters stand in his way, then rented a VW bus covered with Deadhead stickers and continued on his way. Unbeknownst to them, Ned had secreted himself under the bus and was even now, two hours on the road, preparing his next diabolic scheme... Each FRC rule in this round must detail a new mode of transportation used by the Commission on their trip. __________________________ 80:3 (John Goodman, II:VALID. +1 Style.) The Commission was riding along, happy as a rug in a bug, or a bus anyway... Charly was hanging from the roof trying to paint psychedelic swirls on the sides of the VW bus when he suddenly dropped his can of latex paint over the front of the bus... in bounced under the moving vehicle, showering the hidden Ned just as he was about to cut the fuel line. Unfortunantly for Ned, latex is a very sticky paint, and he found himself unable to move--his elbow caught in the bus's exaust pipe. This quickly ended their bus voyage, and Fred had a few words with Charly about his choice of paint. "Now look what you did to my brother. I told you not to use latex." The moral of this story is, never use latex paint on a moving bus. Since this journey is meant to be a learning experience, all future rules should also have a moral. But, Fred was undaunted. After extricating his brother--after all, what is family for--he constructed a set of hangliders from tree branches and leaves, using leftover latex paint as a glue compound, and the memebers of the commission, catching an updraft from the top of the VW bus, took off. Meanwhile, Ned was covering himself with feathers from the bed in the back of the bus so he could make a quick persuit... ____________________________ 80:4 (Don Blaheta: VALID. +1.25 Style) The Fnordlinger party were having a grand time flying, taking it easy and seeing the sights, when Ned began to catch up with them. He saw a perfect opportunity--swoop down above them and kick out their wings, to bring their trip to a rapid end. But just as he was making his final approach, a piercing cry was heard above them, and everyone looked up. It seemed that a rather large bird mistook Ned's feathery wings for another rather attractive large bird, and began advancing upon him. The bird's wings managed to foul Ned's, and he fell like a roc. (The moral, presumably, is that feathers attract all the wrong sorts.) Fred saw this and realized how vulnerable their current mode of transport was, not to mention slow. (And anyway, a storm was blowing in.) So he and the rest of the group glided into Paris, and to make up lost time they decided to hop the TGV to London. Little did they know that a slightly bruised and battered Ned was boarding the very same train.... All future rules must contain a suitably groan-eliciting pun. __________ 80:5 (bill: VALID. +1 Style) By continually switching cars on the train, Fnordlinger's entourage was able to avoid Ned's influence on the entire trip. That is, until the train's operator, complaining of "technical difficulties," (could this also be traced to the evil twin? I think so!) was forced to stop it for quite some time. Fnordlinger and his Commission voted to then continue on foot. Unbeknownst to them, Ned had secreted himself in the rear of the party disguised as Will Smith. Walking through the English countryside, the globetrotters felt safe and secure. Suddenly, the ground caved in under them and they found themselves in an underground cavern. After wandering in the dark for a few hours, they came upon an old man cackling to himself in a shaft of light from the surface. "Heh ha hoo!" the wizened creature said. "Fnordlinger! You are doomed to failure!" "How do you know my name?" asked our hero uncertainly. "Heh hoo! Never mind! I know that you will never reach your destination... this round will never reach 80 rules! Ha ha hoo! And what's with the Will Smith disguise? And why's he carying a bathroom scale? Hoo hoo!" With that the old man disappeared and the Commission found themselves on the surface again. Fnordlinger felt more resolute than ever. He would reach 80 rules. (A moral? Never listen to old men in caves when they tell you you'll never succeed? Er, that's not very applicable to most situations, is it? Oh well. Where there's a Will, there's a weigh? Hmm. >From now on, all future valid rules must introduce a new character and explain how that character interacts with the members of the Commission. __________ 80:6 (Chuck: VALID. +1.5 Style) "Fire at will!" commanded Fnordlinger, and so they did, drawing their pistols and firing at him. Will^H^H^H^HNed managed to escape, however, discarding his costume along the way. Ned ran ahead of the Fnordlinger party to the small Welsh town they were approaching and sought out an old friend--no, that's not quite right; Ned had few friends--an old business associate of his. Ned found him in a local pub. He was a bearded man, about 50. Ned bought two pints of ale and explained. "A group of people will come here soon," Ned said, passing a small sum of money across the table, "looking to cross the Atlantic. Take them on, but make sure they do not reach the Americas." "It'll take more than that," said the mysterious stranger. "And why?" Ned gave him some additional money. "Years ago, I was a farmer, and one particular year, I managed to grow a particularly large pumpkin. I knew it was the largest grown in the area for some time, and so I planned on entering it in the county fair. My brother, however, took my pumpkin, carved it up, and made pumpkin pie! And to add insult to injury, he entered his pie, and it won first place at the fair. "That same brother of mine now leads the party which will be coming here." (Thus, the moral is, if you must cross your sibling, don't do something to rub it in.) "That's it?" cried the bearded man. "He cut up your pumpkin, and you've sought revenge for years??" "No, that's not all," replied Ned. But it'll do for now." "Very well," replied the other man. With that, Ned left. About an hour later, the Fnordlinger party entered the pub. Fred spoke a few words to the bartender, who pointed at the man. "I hear you can provide us with transport across the Atlantic," said Fred. "I certainly can!" replied the man with mock joviality. "My name is Captain Nemo. My submarine is not far from here. I do have to make a stop on the Spanish coast before the voyage, however. I hope you don't mind." Fnordlinger agreed, and they went to the coast where they boarded the Nautilus and started off to Spain. In order to provide character development, every third valid rule after this one shall provide additional details of the twins' past. ___________ 80:7 (Ed Murphy: VALID. +1 Style) As it happened, Captain Nemo didn't go along with Ned's Diabolical Plan (all Evil Geniuses have plans that are either diabolical or nefarious; it's the law), as Fred talked him out of it over a batch of his award-winning pumpkin pie. That, and he noticed that Ned's money was counterfeit. (Moral: Don't screw your friends till after they're done screwing your enemies.) Sorry, did I say "moral"? I meant "moray". Moray eel, that is, which slammed into Nemo's vessel at top speed and forced it to surface for repairs. In the interest of speediness, the Commission continued their journey in one of Nemo's rowboats. Accompanying them was Nemo's cabin boy, Elliott Chris, who promised he could get them in touch with a horse trader in the States. Elliott Chris also promises that each future rule will suggest a new method of transportation to be used in its successor (if any). ________ 80:8 (John Goodman: VALID. +1.2 Style) They finally reached the States, and Elliot introduced them to a man known as Benny, professional horsetrader and guide. They set off that morning, but by afternoon things were amiss. Ned had flown back and infultrated Benny's establishment--he knew how Elliot worked, and expected Nemo to double cross him. Before they even arrived, Benny's best horses were re-shoed with ACME trick horseshoes, guaranteed to trip up any horse, or your money back. Of course, the ACME trick horse shoe company went out of business in the 60's, so it's not likely Ned was getting his money back if this plan failed. Fred's horse was the first to slip up, knocking over an old wooden barrel full of fish. It shattered, just as Benny's horse tripped, throwing him. Benny landed on one of the staves that had held the barrel together, and was pierced through the heart. He died instantly. The next day the commission joined the funeral procession across town and watched as Benny's remains were cremated and placed in a small urn. The moral to be learned here, of course, is, "a Benny staved is a Benny urned." Suddenly, Ned showed up, begging Fred for help. "They're after me. The police think I killed Benny! I never meant that to happen, it was just a little prank... help!" And with that he opened a manhole cover and fled into the darkness below. Fred turned to the members of the committee "perhaps we best become tunnel rats ourselves--at least it seems to be going in the right direction." Each future rule must follow Ned's attempts to alude the police until such a time that he is pardoned, captured or reaches foreign soil. __________ 80:9 (bill: VALID. +1.5 Style) The group, once again underground near the Blue Ridge Mountains, made their way slowly through the sewers in same general direction Ned had gone. Fred was torn between two opposing views: should he Help his brother, who he grew up with, shared a room with up through high school, and who helped him buy his first Duran Duran album? Or should he just leave him, seeing as they hadn't gotten along for years? With his stomach feeling like a hollow pit, he walked on, not letting the signs of his internal torment show. Absorbed as he was in his own thoughts, he didn't notice when the others fell behind, and Fred soon found himself alone in the tunnels. Coming around a corner, he suddenly ran into his brother. Ned, out of breath, managed to get out only a "they're coming!" before he ran down the sewer walkway. Just behind him were three policemen, brandishing their pistols! Fred followed his brother in flight! Ned, in the face of personal danger, still harbored his resentment for Fred and his commission. As he ran down the hallways he pulled down a chainlink barrier behind him, cutting his brother off! Fred was forced to run around the other way, and suddenly came up short at the brink of a dam! The police, coming around the corner behind him, yelled out, "Come out of there, Fnordlinger! We've got you trapped!" "No way, coppers! You'll never catch me!" Fred leapt from the tunnel and landed squarely on Ned, who had also jumped from above using his Acme Port-a-Chute. The two brothers, inextricably tied together for now, drifted slowly down towards a small sailboat anchored near the bottom of the dam. As they landed, Fred was overjoyed to discover that the other Commission members were aboard the boat. As they started downstream, coming out of the mountains and heading west once again, Fred and Ned called an uneasy truce, now that they were both wanted by the police. How long will it last? Only the next rule will tell. The owner of the boat, one Gustav Gorse, had kindly offered his services to the Commission for free. Unfortunately, he had the annoying habit of chewing with his mouth open when he was angry (and therefore, the moral: Never look a miffed Gorse in the mouth). Gorse suggested the Commission should next try to go across the US on rollerblades, because, he said, "there's nothing cooler than rollerblades." To keep excitement going, each future Rule must contain at least two exclamation points (since everyone knows, no writing is exciting unless it's got lots of exclamation points). ________________________________ _________________________________________________ Doug Chatham Email: dchatham@utk.edu Nomic Board: http://funnelweb.utcc.utk.edu/ ~chatham/cgi-bin/msgs.html