From peter@andes.pnw.netThu Dec 8 21:14:59 1994 Date: Thu, 8 Dec 1994 12:06:17 -0800 (PST) From: Peter Sarrett To: frc@nvg.unit.no Subject: Round 28 ends Since Vanyel has not submitted a new rule, Oerjan is our winner and Dug is our new Wizard. It should be noted that the margin of victory was about as slim as it could be-- one minute. Had Vanyel gone for a cup of water before posting his rule, he would have won instead of Oerjan. Dug, the only player to submit more than one rule this round, was able to sqeak into the Wizard's seat alone. Round 28 Summary ================ Scores ----------- Wizard: -2 Gareth: 0 Stephen: 0 Dug (new Wizard): 1.5 Don: 0 Oerjan (winner): -0.5 Ronald: 0.5 Doug: 1 Rules ----- Rule 28:1 Submitted by: Stein INVALID -2 points Dear members of the Fantasy Rules Comittee The esteemed Judge Peter Sarrett has granted The Wizard the honor of starting round 28, and hereby The Wizard officially does so. This round we will visit The Expanded Fantasy Movie Theatre, which has specialized in showing movies that might have been. These are movies that were never shot, cut or released, yet there are strict rules that govern why a movie might have been, but just wasn't - as opposed to those movies that wasn't and couldn't have been. Thus it is almost as interesting to figure out these rules as it is to watch and comment upon the movies themselves. We will do both in our fantasy rules, after we arrive at The Expanded Fantasy Movie Theatre in the next valid fantasy rule. ========== Rule 28:2 Submitted by: Stephen VALID 0 points Well, here we are outside the Expanded Fantasy Movie Theatre, deep in the heart of Cyberspace. It seems that many customers are here already, including our old friends the Hurgleburgles and some very important dignitaries whom I recognise as legates from Florin and Guilder. A notice outside reveals that there is also a theatre belonging to the same company in Velva, and that they are soon to expand to the val$ar tribe and even to the depths of Hell! But we shall stay in this branch. As I go in, I see that the next movie to be shown is a version of "Hamlet". One rule governing the movies which are valid fantasy movies is that the cast must be the same as the cast of some real world movie -- no-one added and no-one omitted. For example, this "Hamlet" has the same cast as (the real) "Roxanne", with Steve Martin playing the part of Orphelia. He has a very ... interesting interpretation of the role. It also turns out that the only Shakespeare plays to be turned into fantasy movies are the tragedies. The next valid fantasy rule will give another example of such a movie. ========== Rule: 28.3 Submitted by: Dug VALID 1 point As I stand outside the Expanded Fantasy Movie Theater, I read and re-read the _real_ reason for our being here: ====================================================================== So You Wanna Be A Big Shot? The Make-Your-Own Movie With Our Money Contest ====================================================================== We, the Fantasy Movie Industry, have finally realized that its the low-budget Fantasy Movies, not the Fantasy Blockbusters, which bring us bread. So we're asking you, the unacknowledged screenwriter to put together your own Fantasy Movie ideas and present them to us. The player who presents the best Fantasy Movie suggestion will be able to produce it using our Fantasy, and therefore limitless, budget. We'll also contract former nobodies Spike Lee Marvin and San Quentin Tarantino to direct. The Rules: 1. Every future FRC post must include a Fantasy Movie Suggestion which adheres to requirements in (invalid) Rule 28.1, (valid) Rule 28.2, and this and all future valid fantasy rules. 2. Every future FRC post must include exactly one requirement for the Fantasy Movie Suggestions, and must adhere to that requirement itself. 3. This contest will not be over until the Judge declares it so, and no one may declare him or herself the Judge. 4. No more Shakespeare! We're still having nightmares about the failure of the previous summer's Last Action Titus Andronicus, which, despite the inclusion of Arnold Schwarzenegger et al, was a bad mix of a bad movie with a bad Shakespeare tragedy and just a bad idea over all. Sincerely, The Moguls. ====================================================================== Ooh, I'm so excited to get started. ========== Rule: 28.4 Submitted by: Vanyel VALID 0 points As I enter the theatre, I am overcome with amusement at the people sprawled everywhere, working on their Movie ideas. But, with a sigh and a creak of that rogue bone in my back, I join them to begin composing my thoughts. And I realize that the most important part of a Movie, Fantasy Movies especially, is that it have a decent plot. And nobody wants too long of a movie, or too short, so I am going to have to require that everyone's Movie Ideas be accompanied by a plot description which fits on exactly eight lines of text. No sneaky text-formatting stuff, either--there have to be between 70 and 80 characters per line, and no more than one character of whitespace in sequence. And now I realize what my first movie suggestion will be: THE PRISONER A Prisoner knows a code which represents a serious threat to his nation's security if the enemy knows it, but the enemy has him, and are trying every method possible in order to get the information from him. As he progresses, he eventually manages to contact and underground rebel group who is willing to spring him from the prison. Finally they convey him to the secret exit they have constructed, and instruct him to give them his code to open the door. He does, and enemy agents swarm in from everywhere to take his useless life. As he dies, he laughs at the fake rebels, for he had given the code 1-2-3-4-5. ========== Rule: 28.5 Submitted by: Oerjan VALID -0.5 points Sitting here waiting in line (being the Fantasy Theatre, there are an infinite number of people in the line waiting to propose their movies) has made me think a bit. You seem to all be taking this as some kind of joke. In order to prevent people from not taking this competition seriously enough, all suggestions must have the main character die. Anyhow, here is my suggestion: WAITING BY GODOT In the village of Ouagadagagoudogagadougagadagougadougou Godot is sitting, waiting for his train to take him to his friends that are waiting for him. Trains pass saying Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot but the one Godot is expecting doesn't arrive. After a day, Godot sends one messenger by horse (the faithful Hippopotassimassiminimuliacrylius Minimalis) and in desperation, Godot starts walking along the railway. After walking for a couple of days, the train he expected is approaching, and since Godot is deaf he gets run over with a Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot. ========== Rule: 28.6 Submitted by: Gareth INVALID 0 points The last suggestion certainly features the death of its main character. However, I fear that it will not be found terribly exciting by the typical audience; I therefore propose instead the following. TROFF This movie is about a man who runs a crooked computer software company. While he is trying to dispose of a troublesome former employee (so that his company can use his ideas without paying him), he somehow finds that his main computer system has invaded his mind. The computer's operating system, aided and abetted by an outdated text formatting program, manages to destroy his mind completely and take over his body; no one notices that this has happened until the company's accountants observe that the memos coming from head office are much neater than before. In order to be sure of catching the audience's interest, all suggestions from now on must describe movies whose events could not possibly happen in the real world. (For instance, in the movie described above the company accountants do something useful.) ========== Rule: 28:7 Submitted by: Ronald INVALID 0.5 points Every Rule from now on shall define a new restriction that is obeyed as well by an earlier valid Fantasy Rule. Fantasy Movie Suggestion: A group of about 10 people play a strange computer game. Each of them posts socalled `Rules' to which subsequent Rules must obey. The suspense rises especially as one of the Players, Ronald, threatens another Player, Stein, with murder. Stein indeed disappears, but he leaves a message that he has become father. However, a few days later his body is found. One by one all Players die of different causes. At last two are left over, let us call them X and Y. They both suspect that the other is the murderer, but then they die too. At the end of the movie, the Murderer appears: the Judge! ========== Rule: 28:8 Submitted by: Doug INVALID 1 point The Moguls are really upset --- the suggestions they've received so far are not bloody enough. So they've asked me to relay to you all the following rule: Each Movie Suggestion from now on must have more deaths than the previous Suggestion (ignoring, of course, suggestions in invalid fantasy rules). Here is my suggestion: ROOTS This is a wonderfully sick horror flick. The main character, Dr. Chatham, leads an expedition into the heart of the Amazon jungle. The expedition unknowingly picks up the seeds of a mutant plant and takes it back to the city of Los Angeles. The seeds find rich soil, and the plants start to grow and grow. The plants are of course fast growing vines with no non- lethal parts. The roots strangle, the flowers poison, and the vines cut. After thousands of mysterious deaths, Dr. Chatham figures out what is going on and attempts in vain to stop the menace. Chatham and LA get killed. ========== Rule: 28:9 Submitted by: Dug INVALID 0.5 points Where has the excitement gone? Where's the pizzazz? Where's (if I may be so bold) the beef? Of course the Moguls aren't going to be impressed with just eight lines of text about some barely developed movie plot; of course they won't chuckle evilly over a simple Fantasy-Movie-Only restriction. You gotta give 'em more! More drama! More excitement! More! More! More! After all, this is the movie biz, and if you can't beguile them with brilliance, then baffle them with... well, I don't want to get anyone's hackles up -- you know what I mean. For instance, here's a restriction on the fantasy rules themselves: they must, and I repeat, must, start with the last three words of the last fantasy movie suggestion _in reverse order_. To make things fair, of course, all fantasy movie suggestions must be written such that valid fantasy rules can follow. If questions arise, we can always ask the Judge to provide a ruling. Remember, the decision of the Judge is final; only the Judge can determine how this crazy thing will end. And (if I may ask such an obvious question) who the heck _is_ the Judge? Now look at all this text above my Fantasy Movie Suggestion! See, I've bandied my wit about, I've referred (indirectly) to other players, I've even alluded to the Judge (that is, Peter, or as I like to _refer to_ and _know_ him, Oh Wizard My Wizard) without really doing so! I skirt disaster! I laugh at the possibility of becoming invalid! I make stupid puns which aren't really funny! I don't even care that I'm going to lose a style point for an error I didn't make! I'm absolutely CRAZY! My Fantasy Rules are INNSSAAANNE! (I bet you can't wait for my Fantasy Movie -- well, don't get your hopes up, it's pretty dull) Fantasy Movie: M*A*S*H: The Next Generation! Suggestion: M*A*S*H is perhaps one of the most popular TV shows ever, except for maybe Star Trek, right? Getting the Star Trek people to do another movie might be way too expensive, but the M*A*S*H people are has-beens already, so we can get the movie cast in a Star Trek rip-off for real cheap and make tons of money even after the Paramount lawsuit! Im thinking Donald Sutherland as Worf, Elliott Gould as Data, Bud Cort as Troy, and Gary Burghoff as Picard! And this time we'll kill 'em all off! By (you'll love this one) destroying the Enterprise! And if we can get a deal with Pizza Hut, maybe we can get people to rent the video and to order in!