BVS: Bunny V Santa

"Oh yeah?" says the Easter Bunny. "You may have tricks, but I've got treats!" He spits out many-colored eggs at machine-gun speed, taking out the toys in a trice.

"That's not either of our holidays, ho-ho-ho! Well, no matter. My Reign Deer will sleigh you!" He gestures, and a group of eight reindeer standing on their hind legs descend from the sky, wearing t-shirts with slogans like "UD BETTER WATCH OUT" and "THERES NO SUCH THING AS SANITY CLAUSE."

"Come Dasher! Come Dancer! Come Prancer and Vixen!" intones Santa. Dasher runs across the stage at super speed, seeking to impale the Easter Bunny with his sharpened horns. Dancer and Prancer Riverdance around, aiming to trample him with their hooves. Vixen, actually an anthropomorphic fox wearing reindeer horns, strikes at him with her cruel claws.

"Come Comet! Come Cupid! Come Donner and Blitzen!" Come rises up into the air, blazing with cosmic light, and whooshes around the room. Cupid--a tiny, chubby reindeer with insect eyes and wings carrying a bow--fires at various couples in the room--Josh and Scott (who has come back from the dead because it's Easter), Lots42 and One Stan, Barbara Walters and P.K. Mergler, and various people in the audience--who start making out uncontrollably and are soon caught up in burning heart-shaped pink bubbles, which bounce around the room. Donner and Blitzen, identical ultra-muscular reindeer in Thor helmets, raise their hammers and summon lightning bolts. "Now--DASH HIS BRAINS OUT!" commands Santa.

Using his training in the martial art of Bunny Fu-Fu, the Easter Bunny is barely able to stay on his feet. "Not bad," he says "But do you recall... the most powerful reindeer of them all?" With that, a figure in a magneto-esque cape bursts through the ceiling. The harsh red light of his nose shines in the darkness.

"Rudolph! Ho-ho-how could you betray me? We accepted you?"

"Only because I was useful to you, old man!" says Rudolph. "'l'll never be your beast of burden--not anymore! I'm making my own path! Reindeer jutsu--Nose So Bright!" A red burst of energy from his nose knocks out all the other reindeer. "My work is done. I fight only for myself. The rest of this battle, you must face on your own." With that, he vanishes.

"Well then," says Santa, "this has gone far enough. You are a naughty little bunny and it's time to punish you! Ho-ho-ho!" Kim the furry fangirl, who was sitting in the rafters, is immediately inspired to start writing slash fic.

"I draw on the power of all the blood shed in Black Friday!" booms Santa. He grows to ten feet high and his muscles burst through his clothing! "Even on your own holiday, you'll never be able to defeat me!"

"Maybe so," says the Bunny, "but I think you're forgettin' something, pal o'mine. It's midnight. And the day after Easter, I become--" He starts metamorphosing into a thing that looks like a rabbit version of Violator from the Spawn comics (yes I had all the action figures. It was the 90s.) "THE EASTER GOON! CAUSE YA KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--HARE TODAY, GOON TOMORROW!!!!!!"

"Oh-ho-ho-no," whispers Santa. The Easter Goon knocks Santa to the floor with a single punch and rips the hat off Santa's head, placing it on his own. He spits a burst of red and green flame. "AWWWW YEAH! I'M RING-TING-TINGLIN! TIME FOR SOME HO-HO-HOMICIDE!" The Christmas and Easter Goon is ready to take on the world.

But then something unexpected happens:

1. A new challenger emerges--the Krampus!
2. The Santa robots from that one episode of Doctor Who appear!
3. Kim suddenly manifests superpowers based on the furry potential of Easter!

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