Murky Murmurings & Other Things (This episode is stupid and there's probably too many commas)

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 89364

Fred could smell the necromancer’s whisper before he could hear it. You know, that old-man-bad-breath smell that is really just one of the most awful things in the world. Fred, a battle-hardened knight who lived in an age chock-full of really awful smells, nearly lost his breakfast right then and there - if that tells you anything about just how rancid it really, truly was. Anyway…

“This guy is bad news,” came the necromancer’s murky murmuring. The warmth of his breath on Fred’s neck was beyond creepy. And oddly erotic. That was a bit of a concern, but Fred put that on the backburner for now. There was a dragon to slay and whatnot.

As a first course of action he rummaged through his supply pouch and handed Belboz a mint. Any vetted adventurer always brings along a stockpile of mints, you see, and Fred was no exception. Belboz, however, couldn’t take a hint.

“Why the mint?” he went.

Fred just shook his head.

“No really,” Belboz insisted. “Why the mint?”

“Really? You really don’t know?”

The old blighter merely shrugged. “I really don’t.”

“Can’t take a random guess at it?”

“Nope. Haven’t the foggiest notion.”

“No idea, huh? No clue. Can’t figure out why someone would hand you a mint after you whisper something in their ear? Hmm? You didn’t notice me cringe? Didn’t see all the dry heaving? Didn’t see any of that?”

“Can’t say that I did.”

“Really? Are you f*cking serious right now?”

“I’m being completely honest.”

“Well I think you’re full of horse shit. I think you know exactly why I handed you that mint. You know, It’s people like you that….never mind.” He paused and took a deep breath of the stale cave air. “I’m not going to go there right now.”

Belboz shrugged that shrug of his. “What’s stopping you? Me? Don’t let little old me get in the way! By all means, go there.”

“Oh? You want me to go there? You sure about that? Because once I go there there’s no going back, old man!”

“Bring it!”

“Oh, believe me, it will be brought!”

“AHEM!” coughed the troll, interrupting the friendly little exchange. “Um. Hi. Me again. The ‘who goes there!’ guy. I’m…um…heh…well slightly confused right now. Admittedly, my brain is the size of a walnut. Am I missing something here? Are we gonna go slay the dragon or something? You gonna accept my help?”

“Can you believe this guy?” Fred said to the troll, gesturing at Belboz. “This is why I can’t stand old people. They are so oblivious and gross and stubborn and their joints are all creaky and they have hair growing out of their ears and…”

“Oh! So is that what this is all about!” Bellowed Belboz. “Age discrimination! Classy!”

“Just eat the damn mint!”

Belboz did so. “Happy?” he asked.

“Unfathomably.”

“Well I aim to please.”

“I’m over this,” said the troll, and he went his separate way.

“What was his problem?” Fred wondered aloud.

“Who knows,” said Belboz. “Not exactly the brightest bulb in the box, even as far as trolls go.”

“Brightest bulb?”

“Errr…I mean, brightest candle in the… castle.”

“Ahhh, that is an analogy that is more appropriate to our setting. I had no idea what a light bulb was.”

“Um. Me neither. No idea whatsoever.”

Fred narrowed his eyes on the bent figure of the necromancer. “Of course you didn’t.”

“Of course.”

Of course.

Moving on...

  1. Fred and Belboz give in to temptation. The sexual tension is just too much.
  2. Same as option one, except the troll watches.
  3. The adventure continues, minus the homoeroticism. Not that there's anything wrong with homoeroticism.

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Ib didn't write this. You can't prove it.

6/13/2010 7:45:00 AM

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