Jerry Seinfeld on Scott

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 71219

Jerry Seinfeld begins his ‘routine’.

“I knew Scott. He was a real jerk. I’ll tell you what I like about Scott’s death, though…”

[audience laughs]

“… I like the fact that we’re attempting to blame it on Josh!”

[audience laughs]

“He is crazy!”

[audience laughs]

“He’s nuts! This guy is out of his mind! Although he plays a mean bagpipe!”

[audience laughs]

“Of course Josh is thinking ‘Oh yeah… You’re writing me into existence, you’re reading me, you’re fantasizing about me, you’re sneaking up on me and tipping me over…’”

[audience laughs and claps]

“Yeah, and I’M a little off mentally?!”

[audience laughs]

“That’s why we’re mad!”

[audience laughs]

“Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe we’ll read and write a little less. Everyone at this dismal place is trying to be a little less nerdy, a little less annoying, a little less introverted. A little… something. Everyone’s trying to lose something about themselves. And not one of you is doing it. You’re pathetic! That includes you reading this!”

[audience laughs]

“I’m not doing it. No one is doing it. Not one person! Not one!”

[audience laughs]

“Do you think that a possible explanation could be that we are still trying to find ways to stuff MORE MEANINGLESS DRIVEL into A PIECE OF ONLINE FICTION?!!!”

[audience laughs]

“We’ve hollowed out the plot.”

[audience laughs and claps]

“We hollowed out the characters about 3 years ago. Now we’re double-layering the foundation. I understand they have a new thing coming out… They will actually bake you’re head right into a pizza!”

[audience laughs]

“Pizza Hut. It’s called ‘Hey Pizza-Face’! I have no idea what I’m talking about! Pizza!? What are we doing!? Where am I!? When do I get paid? Seriously! What, I should work for nothing?”

[audience laughs]

“And you wear the pizza and attempt to eat your way out of it.”

[audience laughs]

“Too much food! Too much food! All this food! It’s everywhere! What’s with food, anyway!? Does anybody get it!? We do what - digest it for sustenance! It’s insane! What about this new story, the Black Void.. This guy ‘You’.”

[audience laughs]

“Is anyone buying this for a second? You supposedly is some kind of he or she in a Void.”

[audience laughs]

“Does it not boggle your mind to contemplate the insane quantities of time this disgusting human being must have been wasting before…”

[audience laughs and claps]

“…if he/she is now on a strict regimen of pizza delivered by semis!? What am I talking about? THIS IS INSANE! I’m seriously going insane! Somebody help me!”

[audience laughs]

“No, we’re all supportive of Scott, though. Seriously. We’re rooting for Scott. In fact if anyone knows Scott, please say hello for me. Oh wait - you can’t! He’s dead!” [audience laughs]

  1. Thanks, Jerry. That was...something.

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11/16/2007 9:35:05 PM

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