Dirty Dancing

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 69462

As Scott moves about the room with graceful, fluid motions like a willow bough swaying ever-so-winsomely in a gentle morning breeze – the Seeker and you look on in awe. The dance starts out subtle enough, but as it progresses, becomes increasingly violent. The long, snaking movements are replaced by short, jerky contortions and impossibly difficult acrobatic leaps. There’s a wild, hungry look in his eyes. You shudder.

Pretty soon a seductive drumbeat reverberates through the Staircase Room, slowly at first, then faster and faster, and the two of you turn to see Josh Burbank playing a set of Polynesian Tonga drums over in the corner. He’s wearing nothing but a grass skirt and has painted his entire body with strange red and black markings.

Another man enters the room via a heretofore unnoticed silver door. It’s Tom Brokaw! He clears his throat and reads from a Teleprompter you hadn’t seemed to notice earlier either. “‘Why can't I do anything normally?’ Scott would ask, alone and restless in his self-imposed prison. ‘I try to be an average guy, with average problems and average successes. It just never works out that way. I drop a cashew and it turns into a winged Zebra, I put on a watch and turn into a Samurai, I open a window and a helicopter is hovering nearby, I try to be a good host and end up inadvertently offering my guests bubbling vials of poison. I could do the easy thing and blame Josh – but I wont. Well, maybe I will. But that’s not what’s important. Not really.’” Brokaw pauses, and the drumbeat starts up again, this time with a starkly different rhythm to it. It’s seductive, really.

The lights grow dim, except for around Scott, who is now surrounded by ten figures dressed all in gray, their faces featureless except for their wild, glimmering eyes. They circle Scott, their hands thrust upwards, their fingers waggling in the air. Scott’s body begins undulating, he thrusts his hips forward in an overtly sexually manner, and begins groping himself all over.

All goes dark again, the drumbeat stops, and all is deathly silent once more. Brokaw begins narrating again, shattering the thin veil of silence. A small sliver of light illuminates him. “Scott knew what he must do then. He must do that which must be done. For the greater good of all involved, except for Josh. It was time for blood to be shed in the Staircase Room. It was time to appease the gods, who had an unquenchable thirst for blood. There would be so much blood.”

All the lights flicker back on, and the Seeker and you find yourselves surrounded by the ten gray-clad figures. In each of their hands is a sharp hunting knife. Josh begins banging on the drums again, this time chaotically, chanting. “Umoombaya-Hashawaya! Umoombaya-Hashawaya! Umoombaya-Hashawaya!”

“Okay, this is getting out of hand,” you say, looking over at The Seeker, who seems to be immobilized in either shock or fear.

  1. Plead with Brokaw to restore some sanity.
  2. Try to make a break for it, through the ever tightening circle of gray figures.
  3. Whip out your cellphone and call Bill Cosby for advice.
  4. Try to bargain a little, using the Seeker as collateral. "You can kill him, but let me live," you offer. "It's a good deal!"
  5. Scream like a lunatic. Knives are scary!

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Ibicio Ibanneaus Ibillius

11/16/2007 8:20:12 AM

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