Captain Lots and the Nice Pirates

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 54577

Things had certainly changed on the good ship Murderhorn over the last few months, but nothing had changed more than Captain Lots.

Some said that he had grown weary of wickedness, others that he had heard the Voice of God. Still others were of the opinion that the yearly subscription to Soft Furnishings for New Men magazine his crew had bought him for his birthday had something to do with it, but most felt it had been the therapy sessions he had been taking twice a week since the death of his beloved Polly ("a better tarantula never walked the Earth" Lots used to say). What was certain, however was that things were certainly different.

First to go had been the Jolly Roger flag which had hung from the mainsail. In its place was a pastel blue flag which showed a puppy and a kitten asleep in a pair of oven gloves. The figurehead of the top half of a naked lady had been next to feel the wind of change; it now sported a rather robust yet demure pink sweater which Lots had crocheted all by himself.

There had been many changes below decks as well - the stench of tar, fish, gunpowder and sweat had been replaced by the refreshing smell of Zesty Pine (courtesy of 150 air fresheners purchased with the booty from a recent act of piracy), while the supply of grog had been replaced with Lemon & Lime-flavored Bacardi Breezers (which were not only much more quaffable but also protected against scurvy). Each of the portholes and cannon bays now sported an attractive pair of gingham curtains.

It seemed that the new surroundings had had an effect on the crew's behaviour, for whereas before they had liked nothing more than to gamble, fight and sing bawdy songs, now they preferred to play "Pin the Tail on the Donkey", have sack races and recite love poetry. Even captives had noticed the difference: while previously the best they could have hoped for was to be keel-hauled or made to walk the plank, now they were given full voting rights on important matters such as deciding where the pirates would have their Christmas party, or what colour Captain Lots' mess would be painted (as long as they said yellow; otherwise they would usually be keel-hauled or made to walk the plank).

It was in such circumstances, then, that Fred found himself aboard the Murderhorn (now rechristened The Fluffy Cloud, although nobody had yet been brave enough to be hoisted down the side of the ship and paint over the old name), face to face with Captain Lots.

"Hello there" waved Lots, "lovely to see you! Would you like a Ship's Biscuit?" At this, a crewman hurried over bearing a metal tin full of biscuits. "Would you like a Ship's Bourbon or a Ship's Custard Cream?"

"I'm not hungry, really." Fred replied.

The crew looked disappointed."Chef's been slaving away all day making Dry Tack with a Rum and Raisin Coulis.", Captain Lots explained.

"I just want to know what you intend to do with me." Fred continued.

Captain Lots lifted his eyepatch (which was purely for show) and looked his captive up and down.

"It's quite simple." he began. "I want you to . . .

  1. become my First Mate. Together we can rule the Six Seas (not the North Sea because it gets rather cold and miserable there this time of year)."
  2. redesign the entire ship! I think a Medieval Fantasy theme is just what the old girl needs!"
  3. help me recover the Legendary Lost Treasure of the Mythical Potipants Tribe!"
  4. die, Mr Bond!"

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Eric Kantona (heavily inspired by the superb "Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists" by Gideon Defoe)

12/14/2005 7:50:25 AM

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