The Ensuing Wackiness
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 45341
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One week later... Scott was curled up comfortably on his favorite teal sofa, entranced by the television and basking in it’s eerie blue glow. He’d been there all night, nibbling contentedly on his greasy potato chips and sipping on his bottle of cheap vodka. The phone rang suddenly, startling him to his feet. He cursed and stubbed his toe on the cofee table as he stumbled through the dark apartment in search of it. He found it hiding underneath a pile of beer cans just in time. “What the hell do you want!?” he shouted into the phone. “It’s 2 in the morning!” “Scott?” a voice said weakly on the other end of the line. “Scott, is that you?”“Krissy?” “You DO remember me!” she rejoiced.“Well of course I do, Krissy. We went at it like horny dogs for about four days consecutively. Then you just quit answering your cell phone, that was like two days ago or something. I thought you didn’t want to see me again so I’ve been drinking away my sorrow ever since.” “You-know-who came back into town,” Krissy whispered. “Scott...I told him about us. He kinda freaked out, for like no reason. He’s such an emotional basket case sometimes.”Scott choked and spat a mouthful of liqour on his carpet and almost passed out where he stood. “YOU WHAT!?” “I had to,” she countered hurriedly. “ Roger and I have been drifting apart for months now. All he ever does now is go to the gym to workout with his bodybuilding buddies or hang out at the shooting range to shoot off all of his stupid pistols and assault rifles.”Scott took another swig from his bottle and began to hyperventilate. “Krissy...Krissy, I need you to remember something...” “Are you okay, you’re breathing kinda funny...”“Krissy, LISTEN, woman! Dammit!! I need you to remember, did you tell Roger my name!?” “Tell Roger your name?” “AM I STUTTERING!?”“Uh...well, kinda...” “KINDA!? Krissy, you told him my fucking name, didn’t you!?”“Well, anyway. So I moved out,” she said abruptly. “So I figured, ya know, since we had such good time earlier this week, maybe I could camp out at your place for a little while?” Scott was still in a state of shock. His legs began shaking, then his entire body. “K-Krissy, d-d-did you t-tell him m-m-my name?”“Great! Listen, I kinda got a lot of luggage so I was wondering if maybe you could come down and help? I’m sitting in the hallway outside my - well I guess now it’s just Rogger’s - apartment right now and it’s kinda cold.” Scott threw the phone across the room and staggered drunkenly toward the strangely inaccesible stairs that plunged through the floor and ceiling (the door he'd used earlier only appeared from to time to time, and always in a different spot. Something to do with the phases of the moon and where exactly Venus was in the sky at that particular time, his landlord had explained). Several minutes later he reached Roger’s apartment, and there, partially hidden behind the mountain of luggage strewn in the space outside the door, was Krissy - Sammy the cat in one hand and a piece of luggage in the other.“This is crazy,” he scolded her right off, his mind diluted with doubt and clouded with misgivings, and let’s not forget the vodka too. “If Roger sees me out here he’s gonna kill me.” Krissy had the nerve to laugh. “He only says he’s gonna kill you,” she assured him, rolling her eyes. “He says he’s going to kill lots of people, but he never does. And his ‘bi-polar mental disorder’ is just a big act, I think.” She handed Scott the bag she carried and motioned for him to get to it. “That luggage aint gonna move itself.”After several trips back and forth Scott finally hauled in the last load of the chic’s crap and collapsed onto the floor in his meager apartment. Krissy hardly gave him a moment to catch his breath. “So guess what!?” “What...” Scott moaned.“I told my parents about us too!” Krissy started clapping her hands and jumping up and down. “Isn’t that great! I told them we’ll come over for breakfast tommorow morning!” Scott gasped. “It is tommorow morning!”“I know!” she exclaimed. “They’re gonna love you!” Scott rubbed his aching head. “Isn’t this a little soon?”Krissy shrugged. “Anyway, so I guess I’ll go take a shower and clean up a little before breakfast.” She blew him a kiss and pranced off to the bathroom. Scott stayed put, sprawled on his floor like a corpse, and fell into an uneasy sleep.Breakfast time came early at the Sanchez home. Krissy burst through the front door with a half-dead, thoroughly hungover Scott in tow. She dragged him to a chair in the living room and plopped him into it, where she hoped he’d stay. His body lurched forward instead and he puked on himself before falling to the floor with a crash. Krissy shrugged as her mother and father walked up to greet them. “Mom, Dad, meet Scott...”Her father, a hairy old englishman, frowned. “Whatever happened to Roger?” Her mother, a short hispanic woman who smelt of burritos and salsa con queso, shook her head. “Roger was much more...awake,” she made note. “ I thought you might actually settle down this time. I liked Roger, and boy what an ass! Oh, my dear Krissy, I hope we didn’t raise a slut.”Krissy giggled. “Oh, mom,” she droned. “Don’t kid around. Scott’s a really cool guy. He’s just had a rough night.” “He smells like liqour and vomit!” her father protested. “What’s gotten into you!?”“It must be the sex,” her mother concluded. Krissy cringed. “Mother!”“What!? Don’t be ashamed. Your father and I used to have sex like that. There were times I couldn’t sit right for a week.” “She was quite the little freak,” her father reflected warmly. Krissy started gagging. “Dad! ”“We don’t have sex like that anymore,” her mother went on, “your father’s performance has started lacking as the years have gone by...” “ME!?” her father snapped. “YOU’RE the dried up old prune!”“He used to turn to dirty magazines when I couldn’t satisfy him,” her mother persisted. “But these days he’s too fat and lazy for even that. So now he just sits in the basement and watches his stupid History channel on the cable.” “Well I’m not the one who mounts the washing machine and sets it on ‘high agitate’ while reading cheap romance novels. That’s right Krissy, your mother’s having a hot affair with a WASHING MACHINE!”
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Lost Soldier
9/9/2004 8:28:28 AM
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