the Tale of Velus

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 25995

Will interrupted Astra, "Too boring and too long. Astra will be paying for her pitcher."

"HEY!" she growled.

"Hay is for horsies, dear," smiled Lil.

Everyone then turned towards Velus; diminutive, cursed Velus; adolescent, tipsy, diminutive, cursed Velus.

"Well, it all shtarted when my pop and mop met eesh other in the--"

"Mop?" inquired Phil, Will and Lil (Astra was still busy scowling, while Fred was too busy feeling a very uncomfortable sensation emanating from the pit of his alcohol-drenched intestines).

"Yeah, Mop... my mop, or mum, mom, mommy, mummy, mother... the woman who begat me. Yesh, I can shee it now, almosht like it wash thirteen yearsh ago, my pop and mop laying on the field of kyrshanthemumsh in the Vale--"

"You were there to see it?" asked Phil, Will and Lil (Astra still scowling, Fred sensing the uncomfortableness turn to burningness and entering the general vicinity of his stomach).

"No, oh no... at leasht not yet... not till after the firsht fourteen nimutes. But the Godsh did then shend me into the womb of my shoon-to-be mop while my pop was shtill bishy poking around... to the complete shatishfakshun of my mop, you should know."

"Ooooooh," cooed Lil, and she petted Velus behind his ears.

"Wait one bloody minute!" smirked Astra (still scowling by the way). "You were frickin AWARE of your own conception?!!?"

"Why, shure I was, yeah, that'sh the ticket.... uh, aren't you?"

Without even attempting an answer Astra drank another glass from her pitcher of beer. Fred's face was turning slightly green and his throat felt now as if it were bathed in acidic fire.

"Well, to make a long shory stort," said Velus. "I shpent the next twelve yearsh in the Vale, plowing, raking, shcything, digging, and making a living for my family and for the Duke and hish houshe."

"Didn't you feel taken advantage of, by the Duke and his men?" asked Phil who was completely taken in by this tale.

"Why, no... uh, yesh! um, maybe... a little. But you musht realishe that thish ish our way of thingsh... the Duke takesh care of ush and we take care of him and hish kidsh and shtuff."

"You are so valiant," said Will.

"What a crock of %$##!" growled Astra as she downed yet another glass from her near-empty pitcher. The others stared at her waiting for what she would say next, but she only burped and gazed leeringly at Mister M.

"Like I was shaying..." began Velus again. But before he could continue he fell off his chair and lay prone on the floor a victim of tequila over- indulgence. Fred suddenly stood straight up and ran for the door holding onto his mouth as if for dear life but not quite making it outside and belching a stomachful of vomit onto the potted azalea. Astra (no longer scowling) whispered something naughty into the ear of Mister M. Phil, Will, and Lil all sat wide-eyed and smiling. "Bravo! Good story! Why for the Tale of Velus the whole house shall have a round of free drinks!"

The three staff members took Velus to his room and placed him into a well- cushioned bedroll, tucking him in after rubbing his belly for good luck. They also escorted Fred to his room (after cleaning him up in the kitchen with some warm water). As to Astra, they let her alone with Mister M, knowing that what would be would be... that is the way of green-haired men, red-haired women, and the Enterprising Inn.

  1. Three hours later at tea time (or, Stop ringing that $%#@! bell!)...
  2. Sitting at a corner table by himself, yet having heard the yarns of Fred, Astra and Velus, was a block of a man, an orange-skinned, stone-formed, behemoth known as Mr. Ben Grimm...
  3. Fred close encounter of the third kind...

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4/13/2003 4:41:14 PM

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