In Which Fred Changes his Name and Begins his Search for the Dragon in Earnest

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 21686

Fred places the banana in his knapsack for safe keeping and strides through the largest door, ignoring the wizard's entreaties to stay. However Fred is concerned that, with his memory being so bad, when he does come up against the dragon he might forget he has the banana with him.

Fred therefore decides to change his name to Banana-Fred to remind him that he is carrying a banana. He makes himself a nice button which has his new name on it in big red letters, and resumes his quest.

Before long he comes to a huge opening out of the cave - the ceiling his so high the torches lining the walls cannot illuminate it. The walls are rough and bare, and appear to have no distinguishing marks until Banana-Fred notices that at the opposite end of the cavern there appear to be two doors. Not having the wherewithall to bore through several feet of solid rock, Banana-Fred makes his way to the doors.

Although the doors appear at first to be quite unremarkable, as Banana-Fred gets nearer he notices that they are set in what seems to be a rounded protrusion in the cavern wall. The protrusion is of a darker hue than the rest of the cavern, so it is not until he is no more than two dozen paces away that Banana-Fred notices that what he had previously taken to be an ingression of rock was in fact - the body of a giant!

Looking up fearfully, Banana-Fred can now make out the buttons on the front of the giant navy-blue tunic, the tree trunk-like red neck and finally the stern and hairy face, with eyes as big as dinners plates which now stare down balefully at him. Banana-Fred now notices with shock that everything of the giant below the waist - trunk, legs, lower arms - seems to be buried underneath the cave floor

Summoning every last ounce of his courage, Banana-Fred takes another few strides forward and announces "I am Fr - BANANA-Fred and I am come to this place to slay the hideous dragon. Will you aid me in my quest, Sir Giant, or must you feel my wrath?"

The giant does not move; nor does it speak for a few seconds until, with what appears to be an immense effort, it whispers, in a voice still loud enough to force Banana-Fred's hands to his ears, "At last you have come. I have waited for you for many aeons, since before the dawn of the second age, since the forest outside was a few saplings, since -"

At this point a spasm of pain racks the giant's body. Banana- Fred begins to wonder if his interloquitor has died, before the voice begins again, frailer than before: "I must be brief: My name is Earnest and I am the Giant of the Doorways." With what appears to be a great effort, he shifts his gaze to the doors in his chest. "Many ages past was I placed here and at that time it was prophecied that in my final hour a knight bearing an exotic yellow fruit would seek my aid in slaying the foul dragon which rules this realm."

Just then, there is a distant rumbling sound and the ground beneath Banana-Fred's feet begins to tremble. Then there is a loud crashing noise; Banana-Fred wheels around to discover that the entrance to the cave opening through which he had come has been filled with fallen rocks.

"I'm trapped!" he yells.

"No. You know what you must do." rasps Earnest. "It is the reason I was placed here. Choose one of the portals in my chest and they will take you towards your goal. One leads to triumph through self-knowledge; the other to triumph through self-abnegation."

"But which is which?" Banana-Fred asks, as the ground begins to give way around his feet and boulders drop from the ceiling. "And what does 'self-abnegation' mean?"

"I don't know," replies the giant "and I don't know. But you must choose now! Hurry! HURRY!"

As the floor collapses under him, Banana-Fred makes a desperate leap into one of the Giant's chest cavities . . .

[As he does so, reality seems to unwind for a second - it all goes purple and up! pops a little blue man with four legs and wiry chin hair. He speaks entirely in capitals and says:

"HI! I AM WRONG NAME WEEVIL!!!!! I AM GOING TO FOLLOW BANANA-FRED ON HIS ADVENTURE TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE GETS HIS NAME RIGHT. ANYONE WHO CALLS HIM 'FRED' OR 'YOU' BY MISTAKE IS GOING TO BE HEARING FROM ME ABOUT IT. CAPISCE?"]

  1. Banana-Fred goes through the left door
  2. Banana-Fred goes through the right door

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Eric Kantona

10/26/2005 6:43:33 AM

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